My Life As A Teenage Avenger
by ohwhatsherface
Summary: I bet you regret going to Sound now, don't you Sasuke–kun?


**My Life As A Teenage Avenger  
1. On Nocturnal Emissions**

**&**

**-**

"I believe 'Sakura' is a girl's name."

Sasuke looked up from his spot on the ground where he kneeled over, his breathing labored from sparring with Orochimaru. From behind the shield of his dark bangs, he saw his new teacher smirking down at him mockingly. Rushing, Sasuke pushed himself up and tightened the grip he had on his weapon.

It was late. Or perhaps it was early. It was nearly two in the morning but Sasuke persisted on doing some training with Orochimaru.

"Is it not?"

The fourteen-year-old merely raised an eyebrow at him, urging the Sannin to stop trying to be subtle.

He sucked at it.

"Sasuke-kun, I told Orochimaru about what happened last night…" said Kabuto, who was standing by the wall in the shadows. The medic-nin pushed his glasses up from their spot just below the bridge of his nose, creating a small gleam from the light the torches provided. "As I was passing by your bedroom door yesterday night, I heard you making some _distressed_ noises. It was as if you were in _pain_."

Bastards.

Sasuke (who knew what Kabuto was getting at) fought the blush that was forming but not the glare.

_Not the glare_.

So he glared.

Hard.

(And speaking of things that were _hard_—)

Orochimaru was still smirking in that oh-so evil was of his, sadistically taking pleasure in Sasuke's barely-concealed discomfort. "And well, since Kabuto and everyone else in the lair, knows just how much you dislike being disturbed when you are in your room, Sasuke-kun, he just allowed himself to listen at the door." Orochimaru was having too much fun with the situation. "Apparently, you were _moaning_."

Inwardly, Sasuke was bashing his head against an imaginary wall. They had to give him a break. He was an excellent shinobi, a member of the formerly renowned Uchiha clan, and an avenger with murder on his mind, but what he also was, was a normal teenage boy.

With hormones.

Lots of hormones.

And they were _annoying_ (among many other colorful adjectives).

And speaking of things that were _annoying_—

The evil grin Orochimaru wore widened and Sasuke felt his bloodlust rising.

"Moaning that name. _Sakura_…"

For a moment, Itachi took the backseat and Orochimaru took the place of Sasuke's least favorite person—

Kabuto sighed contentedly (revenge was sweet since Sasuke was usually a pain in the ass to him).

No.

Itachi was in the trunk. _Orochimaru_ was in the backseat. Sasuke glared at the medic venomously. _Kabuto_ was his least favorite person.

Bastards.

Sasuke, who was in a rather tight (humiliating, annoying, stupid, mortifying) position, did the one thing he could do.

"I do not know what you are talking about," he lied through clenched teeth. The urge to cross his arms over his chest childishly was rather tempting but he fought it off and merely diverted his gaze away from the two newest people on his mental hit list, to glare at the dirty floor.

The truth was though, that he _did_ know what they were talking about.

(He knew damn well what denial was, what ignorant asshole didn't?)

Orochimaru cleared his throat and regained his composure, looking at Sasuke seriously.

"Now come along, Sasuke-kun, I have a lesson I would like to give you."

Sasuke perked up at that.

Training?

(Score).

"Hn."

Orochimaru led Sasuke out of the dojo and into another room. Sasuke observed the new area suspiciously. How was he supposed to train in a cramped up room like the one they were in now? It was rather small, with a table in the centre, and some chairs. He heard footsteps behind him, indicating Kabuto was there as well.

(He unconsciously squeezed the sword in his hand before sheathing it to resist killing the medic).

"Take a seat, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru said, gesturing to the wooden chair across from him. After Sasuke complied to his demand, albeit reluctantly, Kabuto immediately closed the door and stood in front of it with his arms crossed. "Do you know how babies are made?"

If he had been someone like Naruto, he knew he would have fallen out of his chair and began screaming.

If he had been someone like Sakura (who he did _not_ erotically dream of, damnit!), he knew he would have began blushing and stuttering.

"Hn."

Of _course_ he knew how babies were made. For the love of god, what the hell did Orochimaru take him for? Sasuke rolled his eyes. Really, back when he was just a normal genin (not a missing-nin) his so-called teacher taught Team Seven _more_ than just how to be a good ninja.

"No? Okay, well I'll tell you." The snake man continued before Sasuke could utter a shut up. "When a man and a woman love each other, or feel an attraction between them, often they would like to seek release from each other, through means of sexual pleasure. Prior to that, they go through a stage in their growth call puberty, in which men begin to grow out of their scrawny bodies, like you are starting to do—"

Sasuke twitched.

He was _so_ not _scrawny_.

"—and women begin to grow into their more mature figures."

Orochimaru nodded with a mock-sympathy.

"Well, Sasuke-kun, this stage in life that you are in right now, is often a very… _frightening_ time for most boys."

Sasuke snorted on impulse. "I'm not scared of anything."

"Hm…" Orochimaru licked his lips (which sort of scared Sasuke, but only sort of because _he was not scared of anything_).

"You see, Sasuke-kun," Kabuto began, causing Sasuke to look over to where he stood. "During this period, young boys much like you go through things called 'nocturnal emissions'." He cleared his throat of laughter. "Another common, slang term for nocturnal emissions would be 'wet dreams'."

There was awkward silence.

Sasuke glowered at them (while not blushing).

"Are you implying that—"

"Sasuke-kun, nothing is being _implied_," Orochimaru drawled. He leaned his elbow on the table while holding his chin against his palm. "Having wet dreams is nothing to be ashamed of, Sasuke-kun, it just shows that you're growing up. And moaning a girl's name in the process of it is nothing to be ashamed of either. It just shows that you're not gay."

The Uchiha was rather red faced, and for once, he was glad that the stupid lair was always so dark.

"I…"

He closed his mouth, deciding not to dignify them with a response.

"Hn."

Bastards.

"Eventually and in time, Sasuke-kun," Kabuto said. "These boys grow into men and as men, the urges for sexual release—"

God, this all sounded so _wrong_!

"—often plague them." Kabuto took something _orange_ and _rectangular_ (duh, Icha Icha!) out and put it on Sasuke's side of the table, smirking _evilly_ like the bastard he was. "We can't have you running off to Konoha to see Sakura-chan." The devilish smile grew wider. "I _have_ seen her a few times when she goes on some missions out of the village and my, how she has grown. It's a pity though that she uses bandages and hides her gifts—"

Sasuke snarled at him.

Orochimaru cleared his throat and pointed to the pornographic novel.

"Yes, well since we can't have you leaving to see dear Sakura-chan, you may use this, Sasuke-kun."

He took out a sock and gave it Sasuke as well.

"And that too…"

Bastards.

-


End file.
